5 years ago

5 years ago at this moment I was sitting in a chair in the NICU, holding my 8 hours old baby boy, stamping his footprints on his birth certificate, and listening with worry to his raspy, gasping breaths. I was wondering if I could really do this - be a mom.

I was debating in my head whether his middle name should be Elisha or Elijah. I was waiting for the ambulance to come and transport him to Childrens Hospital so they could stick a camera down his throat and see what was making that horrible, desperate noise. I was overcome with joy, adoration, and love over this adorable little baby, who was mine. Ours. Somehow, God trusted us enough to give us this precious gift. I was in awe about how tiny he was, and finding it hard to look into the future and see him holding his own bottle, crawling, walking, talking, going to school. I wanted to know if he would be artistic, or love sports, if he would be shy or outgoing, if he would like music, if he would be a daddy's boy or a mamma's boy.

I was also scared, because I knew he faced many hardships in his life to come- broken bones, broken hearts, fear, loneliness, grief, inadequacy, guilt. I wanted only happiness for him.


Today, 5 years later, I can't even believe how much has changed in this amount of time. It feels like a lifetime ago, and at the same time, it feels like it was just yesterday. Many of the questions I had then are now answered, but only to be replaced by hundreds of others, of course. I've done things as a mother that I could never do otherwise.

Kade has already had many hardships, including eye surgery in which he proved to be braver than me, many bumps and scrapes, and the harsh realization that everything that is alive will someday die. I have accepted that these things will happen and the only thing we can do is try and find the good in them. Because of his surgery, he can now see much better. All his bumps and scrapes have helped him learn that if he keeps trying, he can reach his goals. His realization of death has caused him to understand the need for a savior, and just 8 days before his 5th birthday, he asked Jesus into his heart.

Kade is so much more amazing than I ever even imagined, 5 years ago, holding the 6 pound newborn. Daily, he makes me laugh with his hilarious sense of humor, he challenges me with his stubbornness, he asks questions I don't know the answers to, and he showers me with hugs and kisses and sweet words.

I can't wait to see what the next 5 years brings. Happy birthday, Kade!